Habits : The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

During this time at home, many of us are falling into new habits, some good, some great and some not so terrific.  When people are isolating and spending much more time alone, or out of their routine, it is predictable that behaviors will change.  How do we stay on track and not slip into habits that will stay with us and how do we kick into some new behaviors? 
 
First, I’d like to touch on a myth that I’ve always believed to be true and until recently, I coached my clients with this belief in place.  I was under the impression and have read numerous times that it takes 21 days to create a new habit or let go of an unwanted habit.  Not true!
As a matter of fact, this myth has been counterintuitive in helping people when they are struggling with making changes stick.  It’s demoralizing when after 21 days of working hard to create a new behavior most people are not there yet.
Where does this come from? Well….
Here’s how the story unfolds:
- In the 1950s a well-known plastic surgeon, dr. Maxwell Maltz began to notice that his patients started to get accustomed to their new faces after a minimum of 21 days.  After a nose, job people would get used to looking at themselves with their new look profile.  Even amputees would stop feeling their “phantom” appendage and start to feel the loss of their limbs. He started to take notice of his own habits and realized that he too started to see transformative changes after 21 or more.
- In the 1960s he wrote his book psycho cybernetics…. Which sold 30 million copies.  In this book, he states that his findings show that it took a “minimum” of 21 days to get used to a new look or form a new way of thinking.  All of the self-help professionals latched onto this theory; however, they shortened his original statement by omitting “minimum”. 21 days sounded good to everyone!  Short enough to be inspiring and long enough to be believable.  Who wouldn’t like the idea of changing your life in just 21 days?
This was not helpful because after 21 days the majority of people couldn’t change their habit.  This could lead to frustration and self-criticism.  
 

What is the truth?
Studies show that it takes an average of 66 days to change behaviors and the range is anywhere from 18-254 days.

• If you mess up every now and then it will not materially affect the habit.  It is not a set formula so don’t feel pressure if at day 21 you’re not quite there yet.  Don’t be hard on yourself, it’s supposed to take longer than a minute.  

• Embracing the process and knowing that you’re working towards something great will help to keep you motivated and forward thinking. 

•  Most important- if you slip one day, you must get back on track right away.  Don’t skip the new behavior 2 days in a row.  I’ve started a new 4 minutes exercise ritual every morning that I plan on sticking with forever and over the past 8 weeks I’ve forgotten 3-4 times.  When I do miss, I am diligent about not missing again.  This new ritual is becoming a habit and it has almost become automatic.  I’m well past 21 days and I’m on my way to making this part of my daily ritual without thinking much about it.  If you’re interested, I’ll share. It literally takes me under 4 minutes and it’s working to keep me feeling fit.  This is an additional exercise routine, (certainly not my all).  There are no shortcuts, but I’ve added this for a little extra, first thing in the morning  -   Hold a plank pose for 2 minutes (I’ll add another or so soon), 20 regular push-ups, 15 with my elbows straight back and the Pilates 100 (which is when you lay on your back with your legs straight and raised to a level where your abs are engaged and your lower back is flat on the ground as you pump your arms up and down 100 times. ) you can google the Pilates 100 to see what it looks like if you’re so inclined.  Side note: these 4 simple things actually make a difference, so try it and join me by adding this new habit or create your own new healthy habit.  Start small, everyone has 4 minutes to spare.

How do you begin letting go of Unwanted Behavior?
First is to understand how habits work; there are 3 components- the trigger, the behavior, and the reward.  These show up every time we reach for a cigarette or indulge in checking our newsfeed too often, have more to drink than we actually want or eat that bag of cookies.  Each time we reach for something to soothe ourselves, we reinforce the learning to the point of it becoming automatic.  This is how habits are formed.  Sure, self-control for all would be amazing but…. Realistically how often and how many of us can just stop unwanted habits because we would like to?
We have to start by rewiring our brains and map out the habit loops.  If reward drives the behavior, we need to use mindfulness to examine just how rewarding these behaviors are.  How do you feel when you are finished?  I often hear my clients say that they had a stressful day at work or are having some tough personal issues and they want or deserve a reward for getting through a hard day. So, they have too many drinks, or shop when they’re on a budget or eat too much cake as a “reward”.  Is that truly a reward?  Not doing what you set out to do or going back on a promise to yourself or sabotaging your goal doesn’t sound like much of a reward to me.  Ask yourself, what am I getting from this behavior?  If it’s a sense of calm, use mindfulness to think of something else that may give you that same feeling.  Create a new behavior.  We always want to feel better, happier, stronger. What could you try to do that won’t cause the self-blame and rumination that often accompany the habits we are trying to ditch?  This would be a good time to start journaling.  Write down how you’re feeling and come up with other activities that you could do to reward yourself or use to soothe yourself from any of your triggers.  
 
The steps are as follows:
1 - Define the behavior you want to change.
2 - Identify the triggers (if you know what they are you can push back)
3 - Deal with the triggers proactively.  If passing a certain liquor store is a trigger, go home another way.  If watching a romantic movie has you texting an ex, no sappy movies for a bit. If you find yourself stopping for chips or cookies at the corner store, take another route. Be protective of yourself and don’t test your motivation.  Changing habits is hard, so be as kind to yourself as possible.
4 - Develop a substitute plan.  Pour yourself a mocktail in a wine glass so that it’s more fun to drink or take a dessert that you like that has a limit. An individual pack of cookies not a giant bag or a small bag of chips not the family size IS THE WAY TO GO. If you watch too much junk TV or stay on social media for TOO many wasted hours pick a TIME every day that you will unplug and schedule reading time, or phone time with a friend or family member.  Plan another pleasant activity.
5 - Use prompts.  If your habit is to stay in bed too long in the morning making exercise difficult, keep your sneakers next to your bed.  I have a client that started sleeping in her exercise clothes to encourage her morning workout.
6 - Build support- a running buddy, a coffee date, have someone that you can lean on to help you motivate to replace the habits you no longer want.
7 - Have a planned reward.  If you’re spending too much on online shopping, take the money you would have spent and plan for one purchase at the end of a month of no shopping.  If you want to eat less junk food, plan for that favorite meal or snack so that you can still have it, just not all the time!
8 - Be persistent and patient.
 
Now let’s plan for how you build a new habit - Charles Duhigg, a NY Times journalist and Pulitzer prize winning author wrote the book, The Power of Habit. In this book he states that you start with the understanding of the structure of habits. 
begin with identifying the habit you want to create and don’t be overzealous and pick more than one.  
Step 1 The CUE; meaning what takes place at the time of the new habit.
What time will this habit occur?
Where will you be?
Who else will be around?
What will you have just finished?
What emotion do you think you will be feeling?
Step 2 The REWARD: 
What will you give yourself at the end of the new behavior?
Did you enjoy the reward?  If no, pick something else.
If yes, great! Then, after a few days, ask yourself, do you crave the reward after you’ve been exposed to the cue.  If the answer is yes, after 2 weeks do you crave the intrinsic reward (how it makes you feel) more than the extrinsic reward (which is what you give yourself as a treat).  Once you start to feel the intrinsic reward you now have a powerful habit.  

Dealing with Uncertainity

Yes, things are going to be different, but ask yourself if it’s the virus that scares you or the drastic changes or lack of control or uncertainty.

Your mindset during this crisis is everything. Your perspective is the most powerful thing that you can control in a situation that is truly out of your control. The disruptions are frightening. Panic and worry do not prepare you for dealing with this pandemic. They create more stress, compromising the immune system and making us more vulnerable.

For most people, uncertainty can cause you tremendous anxiety.  Your survival brain is constantly updating your world, making judgments about what's safe and what isn't.  It makes up all sorts of untested stories, hundreds of times a day because uncertainty can mean danger. If your brain doesn't know what’s around the corner, it can’t keep you out of harm’s way.  We are hardwired to assume the worst and underestimate your ability to handle the threats. 

 When your stress level goes off the charts arousing your “flight or fight” reaction, the wait for some assurance can feel like a form of torture. Most often, the brain prefers to know an outcome one way or another to take the edge off. Scientists have found that job uncertainty, takes a greater toll on your health than actually losing the job. Researchers discovered that study participants who knew for sure they would receive a painful electric shock felt calmer and less agitated than those who were told they only had a 50% chance of getting the electric shock

Recognize your Situation & Feeling

 Recognizing and facing our particular uncertainties in small doses every day is ok; it’s what will aid us as we navigate these troubling times.  Allowing yourself a window of time to face these fears can be helpful. This maybe in the form of journaling, talking to a friend, or a professional as necessary.  I encourage people to acknowledge their anxieties and have a set time to vent and share in some way.  Have a specific worry time.  Worry on purpose, share it with someone and then move on with your day.  Those that can’t put their fears aside after trying this technique may need to set aside a second time to worry on purpose, then after that, you’re done. You can’t worry again until that time comes.

 What comes after recognizing these situations and feelings?

• Taking great care of yourself at this time cannot be overstated. During times of extreme stress or crisis, it is crucial to step up your, self -care game!   

• Listen to your body.  Your eyes may hurt from too much screen time, you may have a headache and your body may ache from fatigue.  Shut things down and address the physical feelings.  What has worked for you in the past?  Is it getting up and stretching, doing some deep breathing, listening to music, or a podcast, reading, or doing a yoga pose?  Whatever works for you, use it now and make it part of your daily routine.

• Tapping into your strengths is what will save you.  Go back to what you know and where you shine, then go forward from there.

Persistence & Self-Control

According to author and psychologist Dr. Jennifer L. Taitz, persistence is sticking to a plan even when you’re not in the mood. Most of the time, we don’t feel like doing what will leave us most fulfilled, long term. Generally, it requires more effort to pursue actions that are ultimately the most meaningful for us. At one time, psychologists used to promote building self- esteem. Now, the wisdom in the field is that self-control, doing what we know is wise, even when we aren’t in the mood, is the key to evolving and growing. Roy Baumeister, social psychologist says, “Self-control is not just a puritanical virtue. It is a key psychological trait that breeds success at work and play and in overcoming life’s hardship”

At this time possibly more than at any other, we need to hold on even tighter to the things that we value the most. Being stuck in our homes can be a trigger for anyone, particularly people that have difficulty with self-discipline. Don’t we all? At least some of the time! How do we get through this challenging time without resorting to unhelpful habits and behaviors?

Consider the person that overeats, or the person that hates exercise or the individuals that drink too much, watch too much television etc. You’ve got the point. With very few distractions, we need to exhibit more self-control than ever before. This is unchartered territory and we have to muster up as much strength as we can, to come out of this feeling whole and ready to get back to some semblance of normal.

How Do We Accomplish This?

ROUTINE: I can’t stress this enough. You need to plan out every day and have a general schedule for the week. Write down what a positive week looks like for you.

• This should include the kind of meals you want to have, to make sure that you have the ingredients in your house to prepare these meals. Have a schedule of when you will eat, whether you’re alone or with others. Have a set time for your meals.

• Plan your exercise schedule for the week and write it down too! At this time the clients and friends that I speak with, that and are handling it well are those that do some form of exercise or movement every day. Harder times means working even harder to stay healthy and exercise is the number one remedy for releasing stress. None of us want to leave our homes when this over, with an extra 10 pounds.

• Write down your household chores and assign yourself a day or days to get them done. For me, the weekend’s highlight is cleaning my house. I planned for it, it’s on my schedule and it makes me feel much better to live a clean, sparkling place. Life is a mess right now, but I don’t have to be.

• If you are lucky enough to still have work to do, then write down your goals for the week and share those goals with someone else and hold each other accountable.

What Will Keep Me Going?

What I fall back on when I’m wavering between an impulse to do nothing, or do things that aren’t helpful or healthy, I always ask myself, how do I want to feel tomorrow? When I take a minute to think about the consequences of a particular behavior, I turn myself around and think of the bigger picture which is my general feeling of well-being.

This is also when pride comes into play. Very few things feel quite as good as when you are proud of yourself. Taking on a job and seeing it through is a high. Doing something for someone else and making an impact is a high. A great work out that you committed to is a high and being a person that does the right thing is also a high. When you look at yourself in the mirror and are proud of how you handled yourself, that’s strong motivation to continue on the path of self-discipline. The benefits of postponing pleasures so that you can feel good about yourself is immeasurable. It’s ok to watch T.V. all day

Occasionally, as well as have that decadent dessert or fattening meal but the challenge is how to do those things as a treat and not the usual. Generally, go through your days with discipline and self-control. Does that sound like a boring way to live? From someone that has lived both ways, I can promise you that living a life with structure and lots of occasional treats built-in, is anything but boring! Productivity equals a feeling of well- being and pride in yourself feels better than anything else. It’s yours and you can own it!

Shut The Inner Critic Up!

I have heard so many versions of the following life-stealing thoughts–and they truly break my heart because no one needs to live this way to be healthy. See if any of them sound like you: 

"You’re too old to start a new career”

“You’re not attractive enough”

“He probably found the first date boring” 

“You’re not smart enough”

“You’re too fat”

“You are under too much pressure; you can’t handle the stress any further”

If this sounds like you, please hear this: The first thing you need is to tell these voices or as I call it the ‘Gremlin’ to shut the ****up. We have the good voice, which says you are great; you’re terrific, you can do this and then you have the devil on the other side, which says you are not enough. What you need to do is recognize the voice/gremlin and say something back to it. For example, if it tells you are too old to pursue your career respond telling it you are going to start now! If these voices are constantly making up a story in your head, why don’t you make sure it’s a nice one instead.

Tips & Tricks for Shutting down the Inner Voice: When the Voice in your head gives you a hard time 

1. Name it, visualize it, and tell it to shut the **** up. It may be someone from your past, a critical parent, friend, coach someone that said something which stuck with you and you have been hearing it for years, so now it’s become your voice. The first thing you need to do is put a face to it or give it a name, assure yourself that this is the critical voice speaking and not you! Next comfort that voice telling them that you’ve got this, and you can handle this without their additional help!

2. Stop Listening – you may not be able to completely put an end to these critical thoughts, but you can definitely decide not to respond or react to it. Believe in yourself and carry on with your work even if the voice is telling you to give up. The voice may definitely get louder when they notice you are not following it however it will soon disappear overtime when it notices you are not going to remain the victim. 

3. Find an activity/ or do something you enjoy doing – The monotonous tone of that critical voice is definitely going to create some level of stress. When you hear that voice growl, do something to reduce your stress level, to some it may be meditation/exercise or to others it may be going to your favorite restaurant to eat. Do what works best for you to overcome this problem.

4. Write Letters – to better understand the difference between the past and present try writing a letter to that critical voice. In the first letter write all your thoughts and feelings, anything you want to say to that critical voice, do it to get it off your mind. Next, write another letter where the voice is responding to you and write the stuff you want the voice to tell you. For example, I am proud of you, you worked so hard you are surely going to accomplish what you hoped for, or you are beautiful don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. 

5. Find the Positive – similar to writing letters, make a list of all the good things you did today. This could be anything, for e.g helping a blind man cross the road, holding the door open to an old woman at a grocery store or it could be as simple as doing well in a test you studied extremely hard for. Search for positive things you did throughout the course of the day.

If you want to figure out how to finally put an end to these voices, let’s talk about it at your next session! Email me at ellen@yournextchapter.com or DM me on Instagram!

A Goal is a Dream with a Deadline

Listen, I know it’s not as easy to talk New Years’ resolutions on Jan 23rd as it was on the 1st; US News and World Report tells us that 80% of people quit on their New Years’ hopes by mid-February. But whether you’re looking to lose weight, say no to unhealthy relationships, or leave your self-sabotaging habits in the 2010s—life’s much too short to wait for another January to become the person you want to be. 

So don’t quit. Read this. 

Today I’m sharing some expert words from author and entrepreneur Elizabeth Benton, who admits to having wasted decades on the wrong ways to tackle her most persistent issues of obesity and over-spending before she finally lost hundreds of pounds, paid off thousands in debt, and helped tens of thousands of others do the same. In her book Chasing Cupcakes, Elizabeth shares a fantastic, no b.s. summary of the classic most ineffective vs. most effective approaches to change and here are the top two most transformative among my clients:

1. DON’T allow “all or nothing” thinking. Letting yourself do everything wrong today because you think you’ll do everything right tomorrow is like trying to get a car out of snow with alternating hard reverses and hard accelerations; it’s just a way to burn all your energy getting even more stuck in the same place. The truth is, we’re rarely able to do as much to change tomorrow as we vowed to, and—even if we did—striving for “perfection” any day often exhausts us, such that we follow up that intense acceleration with multiple days of regressive behavior.                                                               DO value consistency over intensity. Ask yourself: how can I make as many good choices today (starting right now) as possible, without pinning all my hopes on perfection? Focusing on doing it all right, leaves no room for failure, and slipping up with a bad choice or two is inevitable! Focus instead on shortening the amount of time between your bad choice and your next good one. Whittling this time down from days to minutes will change everything about your results.

2. DON’T rely solely on willpower: Everyone needs a little willpower to get through the most uncomfortable early moments of change, but willpower is finite for everyone and it will run out.DO change your mindsets and stories around your habits. If you tell yourself the story that the change you want to make is painful—for example, that drinking less “sucks” and deprives you of fun—you might as well count the days until you give up on that change. Instead, repeatedly tell yourself the full, honest story about the behaviors you want to change: that the bad choices you say are fun or self-soothing are actually painful, bringing with them anxiety, disappointment, and deprivation of your much larger life goals.

When you try to change your behaviors without changing your mindsets around them, you’re asking for trouble. On the other hand, when you can reexamine and shift your stories around what truly brings you pleasure and pain, you stop needing willpower and organically want to make good choices that realize your goals. 

It’s my hope that taking on these tried and true lessons learned by others will save you valuable time getting to your next level! Taking action is hard, but to leave you with one last quote from Chasing Cupcakes, “it won’t be as hard as not changing has been.”

All the best and please reach out to me with how these tips are working for you!

xox,Ellen