During this time at home, many of us are falling into new habits, some good, some great and some not so terrific. When people are isolating and spending much more time alone, or out of their routine, it is predictable that behaviors will change. How do we stay on track and not slip into habits that will stay with us and how do we kick into some new behaviors?
First, I’d like to touch on a myth that I’ve always believed to be true and until recently, I coached my clients with this belief in place. I was under the impression and have read numerous times that it takes 21 days to create a new habit or let go of an unwanted habit. Not true!
As a matter of fact, this myth has been counterintuitive in helping people when they are struggling with making changes stick. It’s demoralizing when after 21 days of working hard to create a new behavior most people are not there yet.
Where does this come from? Well….
Here’s how the story unfolds:
- In the 1950s a well-known plastic surgeon, dr. Maxwell Maltz began to notice that his patients started to get accustomed to their new faces after a minimum of 21 days. After a nose, job people would get used to looking at themselves with their new look profile. Even amputees would stop feeling their “phantom” appendage and start to feel the loss of their limbs. He started to take notice of his own habits and realized that he too started to see transformative changes after 21 or more.
- In the 1960s he wrote his book psycho cybernetics…. Which sold 30 million copies. In this book, he states that his findings show that it took a “minimum” of 21 days to get used to a new look or form a new way of thinking. All of the self-help professionals latched onto this theory; however, they shortened his original statement by omitting “minimum”. 21 days sounded good to everyone! Short enough to be inspiring and long enough to be believable. Who wouldn’t like the idea of changing your life in just 21 days?
This was not helpful because after 21 days the majority of people couldn’t change their habit. This could lead to frustration and self-criticism.
What is the truth?
Studies show that it takes an average of 66 days to change behaviors and the range is anywhere from 18-254 days.
If you mess up every now and then it will not materially affect the habit. It is not a set formula so don’t feel pressure if at day 21 you’re not quite there yet. Don’t be hard on yourself, it’s supposed to take longer than a minute.
Embracing the process and knowing that you’re working towards something great will help to keep you motivated and forward thinking.
Most important- if you slip one day, you must get back on track right away. Don’t skip the new behavior 2 days in a row. I’ve started a new 4 minutes exercise ritual every morning that I plan on sticking with forever and over the past 8 weeks I’ve forgotten 3-4 times. When I do miss, I am diligent about not missing again. This new ritual is becoming a habit and it has almost become automatic. I’m well past 21 days and I’m on my way to making this part of my daily ritual without thinking much about it. If you’re interested, I’ll share. It literally takes me under 4 minutes and it’s working to keep me feeling fit. This is an additional exercise routine, (certainly not my all). There are no shortcuts, but I’ve added this for a little extra, first thing in the morning - Hold a plank pose for 2 minutes (I’ll add another or so soon), 20 regular push-ups, 15 with my elbows straight back and the Pilates 100 (which is when you lay on your back with your legs straight and raised to a level where your abs are engaged and your lower back is flat on the ground as you pump your arms up and down 100 times. ) you can google the Pilates 100 to see what it looks like if you’re so inclined. Side note: these 4 simple things actually make a difference, so try it and join me by adding this new habit or create your own new healthy habit. Start small, everyone has 4 minutes to spare.
How do you begin letting go of Unwanted Behavior?
First is to understand how habits work; there are 3 components- the trigger, the behavior, and the reward. These show up every time we reach for a cigarette or indulge in checking our newsfeed too often, have more to drink than we actually want or eat that bag of cookies. Each time we reach for something to soothe ourselves, we reinforce the learning to the point of it becoming automatic. This is how habits are formed. Sure, self-control for all would be amazing but…. Realistically how often and how many of us can just stop unwanted habits because we would like to?
We have to start by rewiring our brains and map out the habit loops. If reward drives the behavior, we need to use mindfulness to examine just how rewarding these behaviors are. How do you feel when you are finished? I often hear my clients say that they had a stressful day at work or are having some tough personal issues and they want or deserve a reward for getting through a hard day. So, they have too many drinks, or shop when they’re on a budget or eat too much cake as a “reward”. Is that truly a reward? Not doing what you set out to do or going back on a promise to yourself or sabotaging your goal doesn’t sound like much of a reward to me. Ask yourself, what am I getting from this behavior? If it’s a sense of calm, use mindfulness to think of something else that may give you that same feeling. Create a new behavior. We always want to feel better, happier, stronger. What could you try to do that won’t cause the self-blame and rumination that often accompany the habits we are trying to ditch? This would be a good time to start journaling. Write down how you’re feeling and come up with other activities that you could do to reward yourself or use to soothe yourself from any of your triggers.
The steps are as follows:
1 - Define the behavior you want to change.
2 - Identify the triggers (if you know what they are you can push back)
3 - Deal with the triggers proactively. If passing a certain liquor store is a trigger, go home another way. If watching a romantic movie has you texting an ex, no sappy movies for a bit. If you find yourself stopping for chips or cookies at the corner store, take another route. Be protective of yourself and don’t test your motivation. Changing habits is hard, so be as kind to yourself as possible.
4 - Develop a substitute plan. Pour yourself a mocktail in a wine glass so that it’s more fun to drink or take a dessert that you like that has a limit. An individual pack of cookies not a giant bag or a small bag of chips not the family size IS THE WAY TO GO. If you watch too much junk TV or stay on social media for TOO many wasted hours pick a TIME every day that you will unplug and schedule reading time, or phone time with a friend or family member. Plan another pleasant activity.
5 - Use prompts. If your habit is to stay in bed too long in the morning making exercise difficult, keep your sneakers next to your bed. I have a client that started sleeping in her exercise clothes to encourage her morning workout.
6 - Build support- a running buddy, a coffee date, have someone that you can lean on to help you motivate to replace the habits you no longer want.
7 - Have a planned reward. If you’re spending too much on online shopping, take the money you would have spent and plan for one purchase at the end of a month of no shopping. If you want to eat less junk food, plan for that favorite meal or snack so that you can still have it, just not all the time!
8 - Be persistent and patient.
Now let’s plan for how you build a new habit - Charles Duhigg, a NY Times journalist and Pulitzer prize winning author wrote the book, The Power of Habit. In this book he states that you start with the understanding of the structure of habits.
begin with identifying the habit you want to create and don’t be overzealous and pick more than one.
Step 1 The CUE; meaning what takes place at the time of the new habit.
What time will this habit occur?
Where will you be?
Who else will be around?
What will you have just finished?
What emotion do you think you will be feeling?
Step 2 The REWARD:
What will you give yourself at the end of the new behavior?
Did you enjoy the reward? If no, pick something else.
If yes, great! Then, after a few days, ask yourself, do you crave the reward after you’ve been exposed to the cue. If the answer is yes, after 2 weeks do you crave the intrinsic reward (how it makes you feel) more than the extrinsic reward (which is what you give yourself as a treat). Once you start to feel the intrinsic reward you now have a powerful habit.